doubtfuldrugs

Gotta get back on track with life...

withdrawing from school...good or bad? not sure.. lets see what I can get done wtih myself asap

work: going well
health: not eating healthy not exercising

 

Wednesday, October 15

Conservative Party won... BOOO

...move on with my day...

10am: bank appointment

11am:sleep -12pm

1pm-2pm EXERCISE

2pm nap til3 pm

4pm leave to work

CANCUN IN A FEW MONTHSS GET FITTTT

 I guess I'll post pictures so you guys can see what I look like. No i'm not super skinny. No i'm not eating disordered. Yes I was bulimic for about 5 years but i'm not anymore and I'm proud. But i'm just hoping this whole new trainer and eating thing doesn't fuck me over again. I can somewhat feel myself getting absorbed but I wont let it happen. My trainer said he needs me to give him my measurements. I dotn want to tho.

 More than anything I dont want to be consumed by food again. But it seems whenever I start working out and eating healthy all i can think about is food food and burning calories. This will Stop NOW.

Today:
1 bowl of Slim optimum cereal with 1% milk
1 orange
30 mins cardio + 30 mins leg muscle training and 15 mins ab training
1 Tuna sandwichi... My trainer says I need protein after workouts... so on whole wheat, I dont know how to eat tuna. Probly a little bit of mayo.
and a caramel pudding

then class until 5pm. Come home, I'll probably have more shrimp. Maybe the rest of the shrimp ring. Which is only about 60 calories.

and hten I'm drinking tonight and going out so... 1/2 a mickey of rum plus diet coke.

I've started intense healthy eating with this trainer friend of mine.
Yesterday:
2 egg whites with one slice of brown bread and pepper. 1 tbspn of ketchup
snack: 1 pear
lunch: salad without dressing
snack: 1 unsweetened fruit cup
dinner: whole wheat pasta (one and ahalf cups) with vegetable sauce.
desert: 1 caramel pudding
we wetn out so i had 5 of my friend's french fries..urgh oh well.... and two rice cakes when i got home

did 30 mins cardio - 300 calories and 30 mins muscle training

today:
2 rice cakes with 4 skinny slices of cheese on it
1 bowl of slim optimum cereal. with 1% milk

+
1 veggie salad from subway
12 small plain shrimp
4 crackers with sour cream
1 glass of mango orange 100% fruit juice

2 fat free fruit ont he bottom yogurts-160
slice of cheese-100
1/2 cup of veggies and three thumb sizes of grilled chicken-200?
1 slice of fruit custard pie...didn't eat the crust, so custard and strawberries...probably 300 AH:S


Going to the gym in an hour ... 4 km run.

Wow. Haven't been on here in forever. Going to have to catch up with people. 

I got my time table from College for September. Weird 
MONDAY 10am-330 pm
TUESDAY 12-5pm
WEDNESDAY 10am-3pm
FrRIDAY 8am-1:30pm

It sucks, every day i Have like a two hour break. What am i goign to do!?

So i'm moving out of my house around August 25th. Three of my best firends are leaving. One's going to Montreal, One's going to Toronto, and one is going to Dalhousie in Halifax.




1 apple
1/2 whole wheat Pita with Light Cream Cheese
4 Alldressed chips.


My short term goal is five pounds. But seven pounds by August 30th.


I have to stop drinking. I drink way too much. I just, i love it.

300
80
50
150
80
100
200

920 cals today... urgh.

need to lose weight
700 cals Saturday(excluding vodka for st.patties day)-next saturday. +3 days exercise.

sorry girls
i ahvent been on here in months
im busy,confused,nervous, etc..


my weight has been up and down
im going to be ten pounds lighter by feburary 14th.
no reason that date, i knwo its valentines day but no specific reason i just need to be pretty seomtime.
im dying my hair blonde tomorrow.
its my first time being at a hair dresser in 3 years because i went through lots of times of black hair, cutting hair, red hair doing it myself looking horrible.
i also have trichotillomania meaning i pull my hair out so im scared of hairdressers. its not on top just on the bottom of my head under my hair i have some bald spots. fuck.

tomorrow im goin to be blonde.
i bought bronzer
i bought bronzing cream.
i bought new make up
all i need next is to lose weight and get breast implants.

i havent felt like eating in a while.
havent posted in a while.
ive been working so much since its retail and xmas holidays so you know until 11:30 at night, which ends up being about 12:45 or later by the time i get out, go to school, go to work again..

THANKS SARAAHH FOR THE HOLIDAY CARDDDDD I LOVED ITTTTTTTTTT(GOSSAMMERDREAMS00)


five pounds until goal weight.

im goin to put up a pic of me just cuase i dont have any recent up..IM in the green...pardon the frst pictre i look wack...

i HATe to be big boned, i weigh a whopping 124lbs and you can count 6 ribs, when i STICK OUT my stomach, and you can see my chest bones like a mother effer. i have to wear a push up bra so nobody can notice the chest bones. 
my collar bone is prevelant,a nd my spine sticks out through my shirt. this pisses me off.
i want to get skinnier, but my bones are so fucking HUGE im liek a fucking monster. 



urgh.




4lbs till goal weight....i can't believe only 2 and 1/2-3 years ago i was at 98lbs...wtf...and one and a half year ago i was 145lbs

I was more than surprised to find out this morning that i'm only 5lbs away from my goal weight for xmas
FIVE POUNDS AWAY thats more than reasonable by christmas....

i hadn't even realised how much weight i lost.
for like the past few days ive felt fatter and fatter...

last night i was at a friends hous eshe was goin to have a kegger, but on the way to the beer store my friend hit her car and had to go home blabla..anyway 5 of us girls ordered 100$ worth of booze for ourselves...3 26's and a mickey of jack D.... anyway, i got drunk with vanilla absolute and diet coke.... in a drunken fit me and my best friend had a talk with our ex best friend about why we disliked her in the bathroom, it was about a 40 mins talk , all these people were trying to get intot he bathroom..anywho, learnt a few things ....
i also told my exbst friend that i ahve a n eating disorder( my best firend knows it but never talks about it) anyway, and shes like "oh i just thought you worked out like every morning and after school" im like nahhhhhhhhhh...

anywho... it was a wack-tastic night. and Today i work 1230-930 in a retail store I shouldn't be eating much since obvi im running around getting people dresses and such...
tomrorow i work 930AM-830PM...greattttttttt no more food either...

i cant wait till i go away to Montreal for university next yaer. 
i can self destruct there.
right now i feel like i have no friends. although, i do. i feel like i dont.
my friends never invite me anywhere, they always expect to invite myself.
im not doing hat anymore...


i had 1/2 a slice of pizza today.-250?
crust of a pizza with light cream cheese- 200?\
lollipop-25
piece of chocolate 80?

556

hates life**


ends up having about 900 cals today...


fuck.



I dont work tomrrow(friday) but i ahve so many summatives due i have to work on because saturday  i work 1230am-930pm, and then sunday i work 930AM-830PM
and then monday singing lessons, tuesday,wed. work 5-930
thursday hospital-ED specialist
friday -off
saturday off
sunday 930-630

i feel as fat as fuck now.
honestly.
im going to mont tremblant from dec.28th-january 3rd with 15 of my girls/boys friends...and there a hot tub and everything in one of our friend's chalet(all 15 of us are in one, and the other 20 are in a nother) anyway...i DONT wna tto be the fattest there.
i know i'm not the fattest at all.
like some of the girls have large bodies, but like it fits them, i couldnt imagine them skinnnier.. but me. i dont fit myself
im sur ei can lose 10lbs and ill look normal still....
anyway. if im going to be in a bathing suit/ just little shorts to wear around the chalet i better fucking fix myself up.
i can't take myself. 

last time i was at the eating disorder specialist, she told me that im at the lower weight for my height. but i dont believe it. i want to be underweight for my height.

my pant size has gone from the summer from 5/6 to a really lose 3/4 or tightish 1/2but im still lardy.

TODAY: 1/2 whole wheat bagel...with light cream cheese- probly like fucking 300 fucking calories
then 1/2 a cookie from starbucks- fuck who knows like 150?
then a fucking 1/2 cup of all bran flakes- 60 calories...
1 apple....65 calories

FIVE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY FIVE CLAORIES TODAY. FUCKING FAT ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS


I work later. ill probly pu tsome other fuckin fat shit in my mouth before work. ill try and stay with my DC/TEA/Starbucks coffee im drinking right now.
FUCKKKKKKKKKK

i really hate my body today. really really really hate it.

This mroning:

1. ff sf yogurt-45 cals
2. 1 tortilla- 130 cals
3.light cream cheese(on tortilla)-100
TOTAL-275

lunch:
0

Dinner:
Salad with a few slices of cheese
lettuce, cucumber, sliced chickenm, no dressing- 100ish?

TOTAL 100-130

Carrots
carrots-12 = 105
mustard
Ff,sf yogurt- 45 cals
1 orange- 100?
TOTAL  250

Total today: 650ish

TODAY

1. 1 homemade biscuit with my bf's mom's hmade jam- 150 cals?
2. 1 tortilla with fat free cream cheese- 200 cals.
3. one graham cracker-70 cals
4. 1/2 tbspn pb-45 cals
EDIT!!...i forgot i had 23 baby carrots with mustard-175 cals
LAST thing today: 2/3 cup of soup. 1.5 g of fat. it has 50 cals.

TOTAL TODAY:690 Cals....

I stayed home today. Didn't move. Woke up at 11am, missed school. Basically, my body was so tired, i had binged/purged all day yesterday[honestly all day] and i tried to get up today but i almost collapsed. so i slept in,and then i walked into my living room and everything went black. so i had to lie down for a bit and get a tad to eat.

omg, i havent taken my medecine all morning, and ive been binge purging, i took it and im still binge purging...
eating whoaish stuff.
omg. its insane.
i was doing so well restricting and today its just eat eat eat/purge purge purge..
i hope im atleast the same weight otmorrow.
i ony have 12lbs until xmas left to lose.

i've had 2/5th of a whole wheat bagel. 1 pice i had light cream cheese(100?)and the other little piece pb(80cals?)
so 180 for this morning...

im working 9 hours at a high-fashion store, meaning i'm goin to be walking around all day....im goin to have a sugar free redbull, my mom bought them casue she does boxing and loves them. as well, i'm going to bring an orange, and an apple and a few slices of cheese to eat on break.

so this morning:
3/4 mug of green tea..
3/4 of brown toast with(50ish) 1.5 tbspn lowfat cc on half of it(50), and on the other half 3/4 tbspn peanut butter(60)-
ff yogurt 

220 or so for the morning..


booooo
im goin to take meds now.
 i work tonite